I think I'm wasting time in SR.

Had gastric right before lunch today, sad so requested for early leave as it was quite bad :( and thx to Mr Marcus Quek for sending me to the clinic and home.

So at the doc, phew the doc actually wanted to give me an injection, which i objected with a "NO PLEASE!" and the " T_T " kind of look. Yea, i got injection phobia. But there's one comin' up which i cant escape from - extraction of teeth ard Aug/Sep.

So aft writing me a 2 day-MC, he kinda counselled me for quite a while, asked me abt school and my daily life, how im coping with sch, frnds, family etc. And he kinda came to a conclusion that my gastric most probably came from stress and lack of sleep. :/ And I also told him abt how stressful sch is, PW which made me sleep for at most 2-3 hours only almost every nite, and especially council - how time consuming it was, and the watched feeling it gives me. And agn i blurted everything out bcos, i really needed someone to know my burden, or else its gonna get caged inside me forever and it really hurts bad. He advised me to quit council, and said that he doesn't mind writing a letter to SR. He still asked me stuff like u got any prob wif frnds, parents, and nxt he ask me whether i got bgr...and i said no and he sort of like "O_O, phew!". Oh my God - I really want to resign from council, but the consequences? I don't know. I dun care either? I want to quit, and maybe i'll do better in sch w/o a cca, or maybe join a less time-consuming one. Or maybe Poly. Why not Poly? Generally less stress, and you don't even need to keep ur attire in check cos the rules there are super slack. And who said poly cant go university? Plus polytechnics are really not bad, and they (duh) look damn nice, with all the facilities. To me now, its like heaven there la, and i rmbed the Republic Poly(SR Musical) and Temasek Poly(Pri sch Sports Day), omg they are like 100 times better than SRJC lah. And i guess the pace is slower there ? (obvious) and has more OPEN BREATHING SPACE? In SR, i feel damn choked up, the air is like stifling and it's like suffocating me. I tink i can die due to a lack of oxygen in SR :/

I dunno. What's demoralising me now is the academic ranking thing which might/might not, be shown by the Council TAs. If they are, its like, WHAT FOR, I dun tink they know that this method can be a "The End of being in SRJC" call, instead of a wake up call. Ya lah, i'm most probably gonna be the last (im serious), and if any TA wants to talk to me, im gonna take the chance, say i cant take the stress anymore - resign, i'd be better off w/o a cca. I've gotta look at things in a realistic way, if i cant cope, quit. I dun mind despite all the effort I've put (elections) in it, I've had the experience, I've learnt, but I can't cope with my studies and council. Everybody's different, some can, some can't. And its not giving up, its being practical and realistic. If i persevere and go on, it's GG for me, I'll end up being mocked. I dun wanna go on alr, if i do, and most probably , I'll surely retain, and my council cca is gone, so what is the freaking point of persevering if u know that you cant cope already. I want to be aware of where I'm going, rather than being a blind dog.

And oh ya the TAs told us that councillors are expected to reach sch before 7.00am nxt time aft investiture. I seriously dun tink i can make it on time, unless...(read on). Agn, becos of PW which made me keep late nites, and the council early reporting time, made my whole life is crappy and senseless. Now, the reporting time's currently set to 7.15am, which im already struggling with. The reason why I'm not late 98% of the time, is because of TAXI. I cant wake up early. Ok, is 6am considered early? cos im like slping at 2-3am, latest 4am cos of studies and pw and sometimes i dun even wanna sleep cos i scared i might just oversleep and the council TAs are gonna scold me agn. And, leaving the house at 6.30am as always, I still have no choice but to take a taxi to go sch. ftw, waste my fking money and its like fkin $10 (+ extra cost) per trip to sch, and on the way dere im like taking quick glances at my watch and my mind's all abt TAs scolding me if i were late. If i wasnt in council, i cud have taken a bus, and reach sch before 7.30am ftw. And this also caused me to dose off during lessons/lectures, and i dun tink the teachers/TAs know my reason. Perhaps they might advise me to wake up earlier, but how? I sleep mostly at ard 3am now, and how can you expect me to wake up at ard 5am or smth. Dumb, want blame my time management? dun tell me JC is all about studying and we have no time for fun? If that's the case, I think i shud quit council or withdraw from JC.

I dun seem to be interested in the investiture anymore but rather in my own future now - my studies. And pls dun tink that i delibrately made myself absent on the investiture rehearsal days delibrately, its my gastric flu.

So, speaking of taxi thing agn: I dun wanna waste money anymore, its really burning a hole in my pocket, and looking back, i tink i took ard nearly at least, 50+++ taxi trips to sch since i joined council. Lost 50x10 = $500, fk. Cud have gotten a PSP wif dat.
I'm really struggling now - PW's killing me, taking up so much time, and the bodoh teachers rejecting GPP all the time as if they tink we got alot of time to amend/do research. Plus i regret being the leader, sht, i shud have let cm be the leader last time. Now i feel its like my fault that my grp's Gpp get rejected all the time, actually it is, 'cos i cant seem to find time for PW meetings, with the council stuff. It's troubling me; all this PW and Council. I wanna get out. Maybe I should heed my doctor's advise: "Lets be practical, if sumthing doesnt suit you, then dont do it. If Council is taking too much of your time, its better for you to resign. I can write a letter to ur sch." "O_O WAH", was my expression then. I didnt exactly rmb all the things he said but i only roughly rmb this one above. He oso said that i really got no confidence in myself, aft the counselling. omg. Sigh, I dun really wanna care wad ppl tink abt me anymore, I wanna care abt myself, my future, I have full control over my life and nobody's gonna control me, especially council (sorry, being a leashed nerdy kuku dog is against my nature). W/o a cca, it wont kill me. Seriously, i wont die jus because i dun have a CCA! And if i resign, those ppl who come to me and mock me as ex-councillor sacarsticly are gonna pay by kissing the ground. :)



Time to make decisions.